Regrets

I was recently in touch with a former boyfriend on one of the popular social sites. This contact has sent me on a spiral. We were childhood friends who turned into high school lovers/friends. When I went away to college, I had some events to occur that sent me spiraling out of control. I was still dating this high school friend (but long distance). On his last visit to see me, I was already becoming someone and something that I am not proud of today. I especially am not proud of the way I left him at the airport waiting for me to come and get him. He wound up finding another way to get home after sitting and waiting in the airport for I don't know how long.
Long story - short, he has, of course, moved on with his life and done very well for himself. He has a beautiful family. I have also grown up over the years. Although my marriage is now kaput, I have two beautiful sons. I wouldn't trade them for the world.
But when I look at my love life (or the lack, thereof), I feel sad. I am looking for someone who can be my friend AND my lover. See the irony? Of course, who knows what would have happened. We were children back then and may not have made it to this ripe middle age, but it doesn't stop me from feeling sad about what might have been.

Play With Me

Those are the same eyes that used to look at me
as though I was the greatest thing since mashed bananas in a jar
since peanut butter on crackers
since macaroni and cheese
since chocolate cake.
But now those eyes see straight through me.
And even though I straighten up
dust off the wear and tear
cover up the unsightly fear, anger, sadness.
I get the feeling that somehow I no longer measure up.
And there is no more left of me
No more singing in the middle of the living room.
No more dancing like a soul train fool.
No more talking about nothing.
No more.
Can I just have five minutes, please?
-MCPOET

Reflecting on teaching...

Okay, so I'm sitting around and thinking about what else I might be able to do with this English degree. Editor (where to start), writer (can't pay the bills), Wal-Mart greeter (don't always feel like being cheery - but is that really a requirement?).

I guess I go through this every year. The moments when I'm less than in-love with my current student roster. Even last year, I had a class to inspire me to write poetry again. (Poem below)
I was able to share the poem with the class and even had them analyze it for poetic devices. I'm sure the foul language had nothing to do with their interest.

I Throw Down My Pen in 8th Period
What more is there to say?
You have heard it all.
“Miss, don’t nobody want to hear that s***.”
You say.
But, no.
Here I stand
With pen in hand
Pressure erupting
Muscles tense
Words escaping
Doesn’t make sense.
How can it be
That you don’t care when
Bass booming
Getting’ that gat
Wadin’ in weed
Crappin’ out crack
Dropping that dope
Backslapping b****es
“Naw, we in the trenches.”
The trenches?
What are you fighting for
When
Your king is now the jester
Your queen is now the joke
To poke
And forget
Your prince is now a regret
Your princess is just an object
I lift my pen from the overhead.
I guess, you told me.
No more left to be said.

It did feel good to get that off my chest, and I was able to teach another day. Perhaps it is time to pull out the notebook again. Prescription: more poetry.

Privacy

I miss my privacy. Was getting dressed this morning, and my youngest son just opened the curtain. Yes, a curtain is all I have to separate me from the rest of the house. Sometimes I really resent it. Like this morning.

When I first decided to move back in with my mother, I claimed the bedroom with the door and told the boys they would sleep in the other room. Of course, my mother vetoed me and put the boys in the room with the door. Well, I didn't know what to make of that then, and I still don't.

It's only temporary though. When she is all better (hopefully by summer), the boys and I will get our own place. I can once again close a door and have some privacy, sit on my bed naked if I want to.

I think that is the hardest part of being in my mother's house again: sucking it all in with nowhere to spit out what feels rotten.

Ready for a Change

There comes a time when everyone should take inventory. I suppose that time is now for me. I have been caretaker for so long that I am beginning to wonder what else there is for me. I love my sons and my mother, but there are days when I am TIRED of looking at them. I am ready to get out of the house; do something; meet people.

I used to belong to a Sister Circle, and we would get together sometimes and blow off some steam. Then I would go home to my husband and sons. Well, I've moved away from my Sister Circle (miss it like hell!), and my husband is no longer in the picture (don't miss him quite so much).

I go to work where I teach other people's kids all day. I pick up my boys. I take care of them and my mother. Then I go to bed to start all over again. Ready for a change.

I make a vow to myself: The next time I have the opportunity to "get away from it all," I will.

Working Again

I am finally back at work!
It has been a long exhausting week. Full of workshops, meetings, open house greetings, etc. All the things that come with starting a new school year. I am tired as...well, you know what, but I am also feeling really good because I feel "purpose" again. Even my mother mentioned last night that I seem to have a new energy. I'm ready to give the new job a chance.

Well, I'm going to try to relax over the weekend. Monday, back to chemo treatments. Tuesday, back to school.

A Day of Surprises

My oldest friend came to visit my mom today and surprised herself as well as me. She was surprised because she didn't know I was here. I was surprised because I didn't expect to see her at all. It had been a long time since we had seen each other.

My boys were extremely happy to see her. They took off running and embraced her. I surprised myself by shedding tears as we hugged. I was just as shocked to see tears in her eyes as well. Things were very strained the last time we tried to communicate with each other. We picked up just where we'd left off. It was good to see her.

The other surprise was not so good. My mother announced that she is thinking of stopping her chemo. She was up and sitting in the living room today, so I assumed she was feeling better. At least better than yesterday. But to think of quitting? I can only think that this is a normal reaction some cancer patients have when they are going through the worst of the side effects, and that tomorrow she will ditch this whole frame of thought. What is the alternative to the treatment? Hope for the best?

August 2009

I am grateful to my mother. Truly, I am. She raised me all by herself. I had everything I ever needed and most of what I wanted. She sacrificed so that I could have. Even today she makes sure that my children and I have all that we need.

These days, I am taking my turn to help her. She was diagnosed with breast cancer several months ago. She has undergone surgery to remove the "spot" and that seemed to go well. She is now undergoing chemo treatments that are beating her down. The last couple of weeks have the been the hardest for her. The chemo makes her really sick.

I do what I can to make her suffering easier, if such a thing can be done. I feel like Don Quixote fighting windmills. All the while, trying to protect my sons from experiencing too much of what is happening to their grandma. I am not complaining. I am only stating what is. It is hard.

It is hard to see her in this condition. She has always been the strongest person I know. To see her in so much pain... It is the hardest thing I have ever faced.